Bodily Betrayal

My body has started taking me hostage. My anxiety is playing along.

For the past four years, around Autumn, I start getting dizzy and maybe even fully passing out. This year, it happened early– around August. I thought I was done for the year until last Friday, when it happened again. I was with a client, to make it extra scary and embarrassing. I went to Urgent Care, just to see what my vitals were, and everything was fine!

I took the next several days off, since it was the weekend anyways. But today started my workweek. Everything looks great, I should be making some good money this week. But my very first massage appointment, this morning at 10, and I was out again.

I don’t know if my anxiety is making it worse. I don’t know why I keep passing out. I don’t know what my body is trying to tell me, and to make it all worse– I don’t have health insurance AND I’m stressed out about money.

None of it is a good combination. I feel like my body is betraying me. Not that I’m great at treating her wonderfully, but somehow, she’s decided that enough is enough I guess.

I don’t have any point to this post except that I keep wanting to write, and I keep not being able to massage, which is my only source of income right now. And I think, too, if you’re out there, and your body is betraying you right now too– I hear you. I’m sitting on my couch, worrying about bills, questioning my life, wondering what is going to happen. And I hear you.