I’ve talked about it quite a bit– going out on my own, ditching the 9-5 office job. And you know what? I haven’t looked back, on that part. But let me tell you– sometimes my lizard brain has a mind of its own, you know? In the month that I’ve been a free bird, anxiety has been NO JOKE.
One of my biggest responses to both depression or anxiety is to SHUT IT DOWN. Meaning, I don’t do anything. I sleep, sometimes 16-20 hours a day, if I can. Yeah, not healthy. But it’s been my go-to method for a long time.
And in the month of September so far, I’ve been woozy and dizzy, and I’ve fully passed out (twice!). Sound crazy? Feels even worse, I can assure you. A few years ago I had heart tests run, and I’m fit as a fiddle. But those psychosomatic responses aren’t here to play– so I have heart palpitations and fits of blackouts. It’s a great time.
I think all this stems from the fact that I don’t transition well and I have so much free time and what if clients stop booking massages and I don’t make any money?! You know, the normal stuff.
So what am I going to do about all of this? Here are my actionable plans:
- I have already emailed my therapist to get back on her schedule
- I have to get out and do more– I am running a 5k in 2 weeks and I think I may go (alone!) to one of my favorite comedians who is coming to town
- I’ve been taking slow walks daily, about 20-30 minutes. Slow enough so I don’t get dizzy, but enough to get my heart rate up and hopefully keep my heart healthy
- I need to start advertising and reaching out more. Know anyone in Indianapolis
who could use a massage? Refer them to me!!
What do you do to combat your anxiety? How to you populate your free time? Do you have a walking buddy (where did you get her?!)?
Sorry for the accidental hiatus last Friday! Last week was my first full week of DOING MY OWN THING and the days sort of got away from me. First, I took a four day vacation (something I never do) to see friends, then I watched my adorable baby niece, and then… I just worked. In my first week full-time massaging, I did 12 massages. Which felt like a pretty good confirmation that– It’s all going to be alright.
But– I am doing pretty badly about the whole schedule thing. I thrive on schedules. So I have been going to bed at a decent hour and waking up… never. Why is waking up so hard? How do people bounce out of bed with hours to spare? The constant rain recently hasn’t helped, either. It all feels like time to nap for me!
I’m not sure actually how to get out of this. I’m working and doing those sorts of things, but things like… say, cleaning my house, or mowing my yard… well, it’s getting left behind in only the way it can with me sleeping on my couch.
I think one of my solutions is coffee. (I mean, what? HOw could that be a solution?) Hear me out. I normally didn’t drink coffee at home on my days off before. A day here or there without coffee, well it hurt, but I could manage. But I AM up early every morning for kitty breakfast and I think I need to just start throwing coffee down my throat at that point– no going back to sleep for me!
But more than anything, what I’ve been reminding myself today is to give myself grace. No name-calling. No chastising. No hating on myself because I was extra tired or didn’t get the yard mowed before it rained (again). Things will come. Schedules and routines will be built again. Yes, I need to put in effort towards that. But when I have a day when it all seems like a failure– that’s okay! I just needed that time off.
Back to getting things done– how do you self-employeds do it? How do you wake yourself up? What is your motivation? What names don’t you call yourself?
So if you’re not familiar, Emily P. Freeman has this thing where she quarterly reflects on things she’s learned. She invites others to join her, so this is my first time sharing a list!
- Owning a home is HARD.
I’ve struggled with the discipline of mowing this spring. Additionally, animals seem to like burrowing under my house and I’ve caught a groundhog AND a possum in my livetrap– YUCK.
BUT– I love my beautiful little cottage. This spring, I was surprised by all the flowers that bloomed, loved watching green take over the yard, and me and the kitties have enjoyed the front porch and our very own outside space immensely.
- There are 29,000 children in Indiana in the foster care system.
This speaks for itself. If your heart tugs at you on this, just look into an info session. I finally did, and I’m so glad.
- Being an Auntie is, like, the best thing ever.
I’ve been an aunt for one month, officially. So far it’s the best thing ever and she’s the cutest and most smart baby ever and you can’t tell me otherwise. Also she’s really cuddly.
- I’m tired of pouring my energy into someone else’s dream.
So– I’m quitting my office job. I’m ramping up in massage and LOVING it. I’m hoping to delve more into writing and maybe this space will be part of that.
- Bullet Journals are the perfect way to keep track of things for me.
I’m already using my phone less and writing things down more. It’s how I’ve always wanted to live my life, I just didn’t have the system in place. So now I’ve just co-opted this system and made it into what I need it to be. It’s seriously a dream come true. Does that sound weird? Whatever. I’m a journal nerd.
- 30 isn’t so bad.
I’ve really only been 30 about a week. In the end, it was just another day. But I’m living my life, and doing things on my terms more and more. I have always felt I was a late bloomer, but I love this season of slow blooming. I’m really digging this life thing.
- This combination of wisdom: “There are no original ideas”/ “You don’t have to be perfect, just fucking do things”
The second quote is from Georgia Hardstark. Anyways, these both encouraged me to just DO THE DAMN THING (Becca K, anyone??)
It’s been a relief to just start things, because so long I was so afraid to fail that I never even got started. Now I feel okay enough with myself (and with failure?) that I’m okay to try. Or to make things. And even to LIKE the things I’m doing, even if they’re not as good as someone else’s. It’s all good.