Tired

I am in a strange place in life. I’ve found myself here frequently, but this one is a little longer. It’s the in-between-time. I am transitioning, making changes in my life, one foot in each space (actually, it’s feeling a bit more like Twister right now, left foot on blue, right hand on yellow). I am twisting and contorting my body and my life to make space for new things, while still doing the old things.

As a result, I am tired. So, heavy, bone-tired. Part of my new, massage therapy, is making me physically tired (and sore). Part of my old, the office, is making me mentally tired. More of my new, foster training, is making me emotionally tired. And throw this all in the blender with a pinch (just a pinch?!) of the current state of America and the World, and it blends up nicely into Exhaustion Smoothie. Which I do not recommend.

I’m so thankful for the opportunities I’ve had, and for the change and growth, I’m so excited. But I’m living my old life and my new life and that’s a lot of life to live all at once. I am looking forward to the time I’m fully into the new, but it’s scary, leaving the old.

It’s, like I said, a strange place.

I’m not a fan of bragging about how busy I am. I honestly hate the word “hustle” and all its connotations. But it’s what I’m doing, mostly– that “survivor shuffle” to get from point A to point B, slow and steady, inching forward.

But this weekend I got to visit my parents, hold my niece, and stare at some trees for a while. It was a brief respite, book-ended by a few hours on the highway. It was much needed as I go from one jam-packed week to another.

If you’re feeling similarly, for whatever reasons, go look at a tree. Or hold a baby. I’d recommend both. Together, if possible.

Friday Five– 012

After last week’s craziness, this week’s slower pace was a welcome respite. We got some rain, the temps fell (o, happy day!), and we celebrated the beginning of summer and World Yoga Day.

  1.  New life goal: buy this house, decorate appropriately, run a Hogwarts-themed B&B.
  2. All of a sudden, articles about parenting— which once felt “not for me”– are very intriguing. And scary. How do people do this parenting thing? How do you raise a human person? And people– put that phone down occasionally!
  3. More on children– but these are being separated from their parents. Yes, you know what I’m talking about. But this is a good explanation of what’s been going on, and how to help.
  4. This is a bit of good news, locally. Our governor just took $25 million from our state’s surplus to improve DCS. Hallelujah.
  5. Lastly, here’s a piece about Johnny Depp. Remember middle school, when he was Captain Jack Sparrow and handsome and charming? Apparently that lifestyle doesn’t hold and this just gets a bit sad, really.

Oof. This list tipped heavy. It’s been a heavy week, again. I’ve got the weekend with family up north, and I’m excited to get away, out of my headspace, and breathe a little. It’s a bit of sticking my head in the sand, but you know? Sometimes you have to, knowing others will carry on, and when you’re strong enough again, you rejoin the fight and let someone else take a breather.

Breathe. Love. Fight.

Friday Five- 011

 

  1. Who was your ideal you? I could tell you… I wanted to be married by 20, have babies, be a writer– but let me say, I actually like where it turns out my life is right now. And though there are a few things I’m working on changing, I’ve mostly gotten over my “where I thought I would be” girl.
  2. I am also embracing the journey of more happiness and less money. I’m on my way to quitting my office job and giving my energy to things I really care about– massage therapy, my niece, writing. I don’t know how things will fall into place yet, financially. But I’m so thankful I’m able to pour my energy into my dreams instead of someone else’s. It feels free.
  3. Do you get bored? I definitely do, and sometimes I even seek it out– in doodling, coloring, just listening to music. Even sometimes just sitting and breathing. It’s kind of amazing the places your mind will go if you stop filling it with “interesting things.” I especially love the Aldous Huxley quote in that post–

    “Your true traveller finds boredom rather agreeable than painful. It is the symbol of his liberty – his excessive freedom. He accepts his boredom, when it comes, not merely philosophically, but almost with pleasure.”

  4. If you had 3 days to do whatever you wanted, what would you do? I would sleep for two days and then get SO MUCH DONE AND FEEL GREAT the third day. How do I know? This is my regular day off schedule…
  5. Night Watch is PPG’s 2019 Color of the Year. It’s no PANTONE COLOR OF THE YEAR, but I really enjoy this great green shade. Also, I have this vision of painting my front door– but not just once. I want an ever-rotating colorful door. Why not? It’ll take maybe 10-20 minutes each time, and maybe I should only do it once or twice a year. But how fun would it be to be the house with the colorful (and changing) door?! YES. Anyways, this color may be on the list.

Happy Friday, all. Hope your weekend is more restful than mine– I’ve got a lot planned, including a baby shower for my new niece. I’m hosting and I’m not quite ready yet…

My Dad’s best advice

I have a great relationship with my dad. We are pretty much the same person (though I do have a bit of my mom sprinkled in, too. I’m just a walking paradox.) Even in my angsty teenage years, I would sit and talk with him for hours. We’re not big phone talkers, but get us in a room together, and we’re going to hash out life, we’re gonna try to solve the world’s problems, we’ll probably yell a bit (we don’t exactly agree on how to solve everything), and we’ll agree in the end that the best thing to do is spread love wherever you are. He’s a good guy.

In honor of Father’s Day, I thought I’d share some of my dad’s best advice to me.

You take who you are with you. For a good chunk of my life, I tried to run away from myself. Like, literally– hopping states, traveling places, and guess what– I was still me. This was my dad’s way of saying the only thing that’s gonna change me is me, not an alternate location.

You know, you don’t have to go to college.  This was the first time anyone had said this to me, the summer after my senior year of high school. I did go to college (two of them), but this felt like the first time someone acknowledged my autonomy.

The worst day working for yourself is better than the best day working for someone else. My dad’s an entrepreneur– he’s been a general contractor in his own business since before I was alive. I watched him set his own schedule, work HARD, and take time to spend with us. He set a good example, and ultimately, I decided I wanted what he had– freedom. Let me tell you, watching someone live that life— it looks good. I’m excited to start spending my energy on MY dream instead of someone else’s.

What great dad advice have you received, from your dad or a father-figure?

Happy Father’s Day!

Friday Five- 010

Wow. What a heavy week. Just me? I don’t think so. It’s been… rough. I wanted to skip around and have sunshine and rainbows here for you. But I think my first few links have got to be the tough ones. We gotta face some things head on, you know?

  1. Our Mental Healthcare system is broken. We’ve all known it for a long time. Man, I hope someday we stop talking and start doing.
  2. Oh good. We’re relying on the UN to tell us we’re flaunting human rights. This is good. This is fine. (spoiler: this is not fine)
  3. Okay. That’s all I can handle heavy-wise this week. I need to dive deep into something frothy and light– Here’s one about SaTC’s 20th anniversary. They’ve reimagined the 4’s apartments for 2018. They’re pretty spot-on. Missing any personal touches, but of course, these are just stylings. Also, I’m so over the minimalist trend. But I guess I’m just a maximalist at heart.
  4. So as a massage therapist (shameless plug!), I experience a lot of joint pain or at least discomfort. I’ve been off of my collagen regimen for a bit, but I’m definitely thinking about going back to it. Here’s a ponderence on collagen. Here’s the (very non-vegan) supplement I’ve used in the past and plan on buying again. 
  5. Instagram book clubs?! Why didn’t I think of that?! I’m going to be following some new Insta accounts and maybe trying to read along!

Take it easy this weekend, all! We all need a little love and care and tenderness. Maybe spread it around a bit if you can.

Young Jane Young

Aviva Grossman, a college co-ed and aspiring political force, has an affair. With the man whose campaign she’s interning for.

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Aviva, now unhireable, changes her name, her occupation, and moves across the country. In Young Jane Young, we see the fallout of the affair in the lives of each of the four women whose lives are affected– Aviva’s, her mother’s, the politician’s wife, and Aviva’s young daughter.

Aviva (now Jane Young) knows it’s unfair. It wasn’t just her affair– he was involved, too. But she’s dealt with the repercussions while he got to carry on with his life and political career.

Rachel, Aviva’s mother, loses her daughter and own philandering husband in the aftermath of the affair coming to light.

Embeth, the wife, really loves her husband. She doesn’t much mind that she was cheated on, just that it was public. Plus, she has her cancer to worry about.

Ruby is Aviva’s daughter. She is her mother’s assistant in the wedding planning business and believes that her biological father is dead.

Jane Young finally decides to dip her toe back into politics– and the four lives finally collide.

I’m rating this one 3.5/5 stars. I loved the varying narratives, felt for each of the women, and enjoyed not letting another male politician skate away– this time her story is heard. And, of course, I dig that. The characters were likeable, relatable, and fun. I only felt that the ending was a bit abrupt– but maybe only because I wanted the narrative to go on.

What I learned this Spring- March-May 2018

So if you’re not familiar, Emily P. Freeman has this thing where she quarterly reflects on things she’s learned. She invites others to join her, so this is my first time sharing a list!

  1. Owning a home is HARD
    I’ve struggled with the discipline of mowing this spring. Additionally, animals seem to like burrowing under my house and I’ve caught a groundhog AND a possum in my livetrap– YUCK.
    BUT– I love my beautiful little cottage. This spring, I was surprised by all the flowers that bloomed, loved watching green take over the yard, and me and the kitties have enjoyed the front porch and our very own outside space immensely.
  2. There are 29,000 children in Indiana in the foster care system.
    This speaks for itself. If your heart tugs at you on this, just look into an info session. I finally did, and I’m so glad.
  3. Being an Auntie is, like, the best thing ever. 
    I’ve been an aunt for one month, officially. So far it’s the best thing ever and she’s the cutest and most smart baby ever and you can’t tell me otherwise. Also she’s really cuddly.
  4. I’m tired of pouring my energy into someone else’s dream.
    So– I’m quitting my office job. I’m ramping up in massage and LOVING it. I’m hoping to delve more into writing and maybe this space will be part of that.
  5. Bullet Journals are the perfect way to keep track of things for me.
    I’m already using my phone less and writing things down more. It’s how I’ve always wanted to live my life, I just didn’t have the system in place. So now I’ve just co-opted this system and made it into what I need it to be. It’s seriously a dream come true. Does that sound weird? Whatever. I’m a journal nerd.
  6. 30 isn’t so bad.
    I’ve really only been 30 about a week. In the end, it was just another day. But I’m living my life, and doing things on my terms more and more. I have always felt I was a late bloomer, but I love this season of slow blooming. I’m really digging this life thing.
  7. This combination of wisdom: “There are no original ideas”/ “You don’t have to be perfect, just fucking do things”
    The second quote is from Georgia Hardstark. Anyways, these both encouraged me to just DO THE DAMN THING (Becca K, anyone??)
    It’s been a relief to just start things, because so long I was so afraid to fail that I never even got started. Now I feel okay enough with myself (and with failure?) that I’m okay to try. Or to make things. And even to LIKE the things I’m doing, even if they’re not as good as someone else’s. It’s all good.

Friday Five– 009

What a hot, sticky week! It started with my 30th birthday (yay!) and ended with us in JUNE! Crazy how fast things are flying by. Stick around, summer. But maybe a couple of degrees cooler? So I can leave the house a time or two?

  1. Tomorrow, you should sleep in. It’s good for your health.
  2. Take a break– even a quick one. See the theme I’m going with? We’re getting older, it’s time to learn the art of chilling. I’m getting older– but I can lay around like a boss! (do we still say “like a boss”? is this what it is to get old?)
  3.  Got your money on your mind like I do? I’m changing careers and saving up for some awesome trips– it’s all going to be do-able, but it’s been on my mind a lot. What I am a newbie on, though, is investments. I haven’t done any investments since my mom put money in CDs at the bank for me– it served me well, back when they were actually getting good interest. Some resources for getting started wouldn’t hurt.
  4. Do people change? I definitely think they can, but the reason can never be another person (if you want it to stick). You gotta do it for you. That’s my opinion, anyways.
  5. I’m glad to know I’m not the only one with a floral obsession. Seriously, stick a flower on it and I will wear it or stick it in my house. And, despite what this article says– there is never too much floral. So there.

Happy weekend, all! Also, if anyone is free to mow my yard– I have a beer with your  name on it! 

Friday Five- 008

This week has been lazy and hazy. I’ve welcomed the slow pace, though I may have had more things to do than actually got done. Like mowing my yard, for instance…

  1. May is Foster Care Awareness Month. I know we’re at the end of the month, but it’s never to late to put a bug in someone’s ear. Anyways, this is a topic that is near and dear to my heart (Spoiler Alert: stay tuned in the next year for some brand new adventures…)
  2. I want these earrings. I just do. Because they’re pretty, and massage, and hands and stuff. I don’t know. They’re beautiful and I love them. Also follow her on instagram.
  3. I’m turning 30 on Monday, and Katie puts into words everything that I’m feeling— especially since I’m also leaving my stable, office job.
  4. I’m currently reading Young Jane Young by Gabrielle Zevin. It’s been sitting in my to-read pile since November– I know this because that’s the date on the receipt printed out by my library. Why they’ve let me renew it so many times, I don’t know. And why I’ve waited until now to pick it up, I also don’t know. I’m probably a third of the way through and I LOVE IT. Definitely the right temperature for this political climate…
  5. So here’s another lifestyle– the formula would be hygge-Swedish+Austrian+quality time= gemütlichkeit. I can’t actually say that word, but it’s a lovely concept and, of course, is exactly right. There’s cozy by yourself (great) and then there’s cozy with friends (even better!). I plan on having some of this on this long weekend.

Well, that’s all from me! This weekend is the last in my 20s– where has time gone?! I don’t know, but I’m starting to feel ready for my 30s. Maybe ready for more certainty, maybe ready for more adventures. It’s gonna be good.

Why I’m giving up online dating

In case you haven’t noticed around here, I’m turning 30 in half a week. And– I’m single.

30 used to scare me for so many reasons, but the main one is that I thought I’d have my shit together by now. And I always, always thought I’d be married with kids by now. After a LOT of introspection, I know why I’m still single. And I’ve honestly embraced it for a long time. It’s not actually all that bad!

But still, I figured I should do something about it. It really is one thing in my life I’d like to change, so I decided to make that change happen. I’ve tried them all– OKCupid, Tinder, Bumble, Match, something about coffee and bagels… I’ve had varied success with all of them, success in this sense meaning I got a few dates out of each.

I’ve met great people, had interesting dates, been stood up, and bailed out on dates I just wasn’t sure about.

The thing is– online dating feels like shopping for a pair of shoes. Too tall, don’t like those buckles, where would I wear those? I can swipe and swipe, all in the comfort of my sweatpants on my couch. It lets me feel like I’m putting effort into making a change– all without actually making an effort. It’s my placebo. Or, like… a really calorie-heavy salad that I tell myself “is still healthy.” It’s not. At least, not for me. Not right now.

So I’m saying goodbye to online dating, at least for a while. I’ve honestly always hoped I’d meet a guy In Real Life. Is that even still a thing? Maybe if I push myself outside my comfort zone a little, or at least switch up my routines a bit more. Anyways, this is a new thing I’m going to try– not doing something because I should. Living life on my own terms.

That’s what growing up and getting older is all about, after all– right?

 

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