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Well, well, well… If it isn’t me, dipping out and dipping back in again. Truly, I’m going to have to do something to make myself write more often.

The truth is– summer isn’t a great time for me. I tend to go inside myself in a deep way and not even notice until the first crisp fall morning peaks its head out. That’s when I go back to feeling alive.

In the summer, I feel scorched. Death earth style. I am barren and have nothing to offer. Anyways, that’s how I tend to feel. And I noticed again this weekend, that’s exactly where I’ve been living. I am on the eve of fall and another life change. How many times have I blown up my life? I’ve lost count, but I’m about to do it again. In the name of pursuing what I want to do with my life. In the name of being who I want to be in this life. But the preparations have exhausted me. And I’ve drifted out of touch with myself, again.

But now that I’ve had a taste of inhabiting my body again, I’m clinging to it. You live here, remember?! I’m only doing what you’re asking me to do! Focus less on the numbers and more on the life you’re building! It’s a tall order.

I could use a week’s worth of naps, a lot of hugs, and a submersion in a pool. Like the kind where you hold your breath and sit on the bottom of the pool and feel your hair floating up around you and the cool water touching you everywhere and even though you’re not breathing, you feel the most alive you’ve ever felt. I could use that. And, again… the naps.

I finally caught up on Ozark last night. I know I’m late to the game, but for a while I was getting stress dreams about drug cartels coming after me and needed to take a break. But with a show that good, of course I had to come back to finish it.

Wendy asked her brother Ben what he would want in five years. Not a new concept. In fact, I think it’s probably a pretty basic one for someone who learned how to plan or set goals. But I did learn that. And while I have some vague picture of a direction I’d like to go in, 5 years sounds much more bite-sized. In fact, I could perhaps even use it to frame how I make my decisions. It’s almost like the life I’m living now creates the life I’ll be living in, say, 5 years.

Like I said, I’m late to the game.

But not too late. I’m here now. Trying to think of concrete things I want in my life by 2026. What a space-age sounding year. But that puts me at almost 38, another nutty sounding number!

So here we are, a few things I’d like in the next 5 years:

I want to have more creative endeavors in my life

I’d like to be a mom by that point

I’d like to have written or started writing a book

I want to compost, get rid of my grass lawn, and reduce my carbon footprint

I want to help people

I want to live a life of hospitality- I am intrigued by the idea of dinner parties, cookbook clubs, and regular family dinners, as well as having an open-door policy

I want to be an advocate for mental and women’s health

I want to make grown up changes for my home, like an whole-house humidifier or a water softener

Also I want my car to be paid off, obviously

So there is mine. What are some of your 5 year goals?

An answer to all my problems?! Maybe.

But I just got diagnosed with PCOS. While I haven’t done an ultrasound, my bloodwork matches up with exactly what you’d expect to see.

It was a naturopath I just started working with who made the diagnosis, so I’ll be going on a natural route instead of pharmaceuticals. Please note I’m not dogging meds, I am on some for anxiety/depression. But I’m hoping this natural route will help to solve some underlying issues rather than cover up symptoms. I’ve ignored my body for so long, it’s time to listen to what she’s tried to tell me and to finally give her what she’s been asking for all along.

So I’m on about 9 supplements. I’m supposed to be changing my diet, which is, of course, proving harder than it sounds. Low carb, no gluten, no dairy. Seems like a recipe for a sad life, if you ask me… But if it means feeling better? A happy body? Less symptoms? Maybe it could be worth it.

Funny enough, the diagnosis didn’t come with a wave of relief that I expected. Instead, I faced mourning. I have several friends who also have PCOS, and I’ve seen their struggles. I’ve especially seen the fertility struggle. Not to mention, with the diagnosis comes the ways in which I’m supposed to manage things- namely diet. As I’ve already said, I’m not thrilled with idea. So far, I’ve been able to live life on my terms, more or less. Restrictions don’t exactly thrill me. Plus, there’s idea that this will be a lifelong thing to manage. It’ll never go away, it’ll be as good or as bad as I let it be. I’m the master of my fate.

Which I have been all along, but now it feels like– My behavior will directly affect my health. My decisions will correlate with my life. It sounds so obvious, and maybe this change is a part of growing older, as well, by this diagnosis has really hit me. I’m not 22 anymore. And I’m not healthy anymore. I now hold my body in my hands, with every food choice I make.

There’s also the upside– I know that it’s not all in my head. My collection of symptoms are valid and experienced by a group of women who experience similar things. I’ve found several online communities which I hope to deeply connect with about these experiences. I have a name for the reason. And I have the hope that with good decisions, I can help walk myself to a better future. One with more energy, better mental health, a healthy cycle, and perhaps a pregnancy someday.

It’s all up to me. It feels so obvious and so shocking at the same time.

On Friday nights, I like to get wild. This summer, some of my Friday nights have included smoking out by my friend’s pool and laying on a friend’s living room floor allowing my face to be licked by his dog. Please note my definition of wild may be, in fact, quite tame.

But by far, my most often “wild” behavior is going onto a streaming service and watching WHATEVER IS BEING PROMOTED, WITHOUT ANY PRIOR KNOWLEDGE. Sometimes, I even watch a MOVIE (I’m a tv gal, myself).

This past Friday, I went even crazier and watched three movies. In a row. Now, tv, I can binge on forever. Movies? I can do one. Maaayyybee two. But on a Friday night? After working all week? I’m tired. Quite frankly, I go to bed early on Fridays. But I took a chance. On THREE movies.

The first was Palm Springs. I’m an Andy Samberg fan. And now a Cristen Milloti fan (The Mother from How I Met Your Mother). It was seriously a good movie that you should watch. I’d recommend going in blind, if you can.  **Next sentence is a spoiler– i keep thinking to myself now “what if today was the day you had to live over and over?” and this is maybe going to change my life**

Next was Buffaloed, with Zoey Deutch, from The Politician. Both are current favorites. I’m not sure so much about the movie. I did enjoy it. And I realized I know nothing about taxidermy. I was determined to explore more, and in fact started on the backlog of Ologies podcast episodes I’d missed out on recently, and wouldn’t you know! A taxidermy episode! I’m listening now, in bite-sized chunks on the way to and from work. I won’t lie, I’m a little grossed out, a bit like I was the other morning while tearing into a giant steak. All the muscle and sinew and ligaments and fat and previous aliveness. But I’m learning about a thing that Buffaloed made me realize I didn’t know a damn thing about and also the taxidermist from the Ologies episode creates her stuff with animals who have died of natural causes. Or like, cars. So, not trophy kills. So I guess that’s ethical.

Lastly, I watched Where’d You Go, Bernadette? since I’ve been meaning to for a while; I loved the book. The movie wasn’t exactly like the book, which I get. Different mediums, different storytellers… My main takeaway was that I liked it, that it must be so hard to live with a truly creative person (who can hardly function in reality), and that Cate Blanchet’s cheekbones are pure art. Also maybe I want to go to Antarctica? I’ve never been able to say that before. But maybe I’ll follow Cate and her cheekbones anywhere…

What movies have you watched recently? Do you ever watch things blindly? How wild do you get on Friday nights?

 

Healthy reminders I needed to write out and see on a page. Also it gave me a few minutes of doing something with my hands that didn’t involve holding my phone.

What are your current affirmations? How attached are you to your phone?

I have a great relationship with my dad. We are pretty much the same person (though I do have a bit of my mom sprinkled in, too. I’m just a walking paradox.) Even in my angsty teenage years, I would sit and talk with him for hours. We’re not big phone talkers, but get us in a room together, and we’re going to hash out life, we’re gonna try to solve the world’s problems, we’ll probably yell a bit (we don’t exactly agree on how to solve everything), and we’ll agree in the end that the best thing to do is spread love wherever you are. He’s a good guy.

In honor of Father’s Day, I thought I’d share some of my dad’s best advice to me.

You take who you are with you. For a good chunk of my life, I tried to run away from myself. Like, literally– hopping states, traveling places, and guess what– I was still me. This was my dad’s way of saying the only thing that’s gonna change me is me, not an alternate location.

You know, you don’t have to go to college.  This was the first time anyone had said this to me, the summer after my senior year of high school. I did go to college (two of them), but this felt like the first time someone acknowledged my autonomy.

The worst day working for yourself is better than the best day working for someone else. My dad’s an entrepreneur– he’s been a general contractor in his own business since before I was alive. I watched him set his own schedule, work HARD, and take time to spend with us. He set a good example, and ultimately, I decided I wanted what he had– freedom. Let me tell you, watching someone live that life— it looks good. I’m excited to start spending my energy on MY dream instead of someone else’s.

What great dad advice have you received, from your dad or a father-figure?

Happy Father’s Day!

I know, I know. It’s the end of January. Any well-intentioned New Year’s Resolutions have worn out (my own– the “Sugar Free January” only lasted nine and a half days…)

But– It IS still January. So I’m doing this. This being, my word for the year. I’ve always liked this better than a resolution, anyways. So the word that keeps resonating with me at the beginning of this year, and all through this month has been– BIGGER.

“I lead a small life – well, valuable, but small…” Kathleen Kelly, You’ve Got Mail

It’s true, I do lead a small and valuable life. But I’ve got a desire to expand a bit. Not to make my life worth more, because it’s already full of worth. Not to fill voids, not to try to make myself happy. It just seems like time to grow  little. I’m not sure what this will look like yet. But in the decisions I make through the year, I’ll look at it through the lens of BIGGER. Not for the sake of bigger, but for the sake of growth.

My action plan so far is this: try 2 new things every month. I tend to hole up, in the winter especially, and I am what my therapist calls “a TRUE introvert,” but I need to try new things in order to expand my horizons. So far this month, I went to a day conference on interpersonal behavior in the workplace, I took CPR training, and I bought a new laptop to make all my blogging dreams come true! (Is this last thing a new thing? Not exactly, but this venture will hopefully produce growth in me as I pursue something I’ve wanted for a long time)