What does a diagnosis mean?

An answer to all my problems?! Maybe.

But I just got diagnosed with PCOS. While I haven’t done an ultrasound, my bloodwork matches up with exactly what you’d expect to see.

It was a naturopath I just started working with who made the diagnosis, so I’ll be going on a natural route instead of pharmaceuticals. Please note I’m not dogging meds, I am on some for anxiety/depression. But I’m hoping this natural route will help to solve some underlying issues rather than cover up symptoms. I’ve ignored my body for so long, it’s time to listen to what she’s tried to tell me and to finally give her what she’s been asking for all along.

So I’m on about 9 supplements. I’m supposed to be changing my diet, which is, of course, proving harder than it sounds. Low carb, no gluten, no dairy. Seems like a recipe for a sad life, if you ask me… But if it means feeling better? A happy body? Less symptoms? Maybe it could be worth it.

Funny enough, the diagnosis didn’t come with a wave of relief that I expected. Instead, I faced mourning. I have several friends who also have PCOS, and I’ve seen their struggles. I’ve especially seen the fertility struggle. Not to mention, with the diagnosis comes the ways in which I’m supposed to manage things- namely diet. As I’ve already said, I’m not thrilled with idea. So far, I’ve been able to live life on my terms, more or less. Restrictions don’t exactly thrill me. Plus, there’s idea that this will be a lifelong thing to manage. It’ll never go away, it’ll be as good or as bad as I let it be. I’m the master of my fate.

Which I have been all along, but now it feels like– My behavior will directly affect my health. My decisions will correlate with my life. It sounds so obvious, and maybe this change is a part of growing older, as well, by this diagnosis has really hit me. I’m not 22 anymore. And I’m not healthy anymore. I now hold my body in my hands, with every food choice I make.

There’s also the upside– I know that it’s not all in my head. My collection of symptoms are valid and experienced by a group of women who experience similar things. I’ve found several online communities which I hope to deeply connect with about these experiences. I have a name for the reason. And I have the hope that with good decisions, I can help walk myself to a better future. One with more energy, better mental health, a healthy cycle, and perhaps a pregnancy someday.

It’s all up to me. It feels so obvious and so shocking at the same time.