Summer 2021

Well, well, well… If it isn’t me, dipping out and dipping back in again. Truly, I’m going to have to do something to make myself write more often.

The truth is– summer isn’t a great time for me. I tend to go inside myself in a deep way and not even notice until the first crisp fall morning peaks its head out. That’s when I go back to feeling alive.

In the summer, I feel scorched. Death earth style. I am barren and have nothing to offer. Anyways, that’s how I tend to feel. And I noticed again this weekend, that’s exactly where I’ve been living. I am on the eve of fall and another life change. How many times have I blown up my life? I’ve lost count, but I’m about to do it again. In the name of pursuing what I want to do with my life. In the name of being who I want to be in this life. But the preparations have exhausted me. And I’ve drifted out of touch with myself, again.

But now that I’ve had a taste of inhabiting my body again, I’m clinging to it. You live here, remember?! I’m only doing what you’re asking me to do! Focus less on the numbers and more on the life you’re building! It’s a tall order.

I could use a week’s worth of naps, a lot of hugs, and a submersion in a pool. Like the kind where you hold your breath and sit on the bottom of the pool and feel your hair floating up around you and the cool water touching you everywhere and even though you’re not breathing, you feel the most alive you’ve ever felt. I could use that. And, again… the naps.

5 year plan

I finally caught up on Ozark last night. I know I’m late to the game, but for a while I was getting stress dreams about drug cartels coming after me and needed to take a break. But with a show that good, of course I had to come back to finish it.

Wendy asked her brother Ben what he would want in five years. Not a new concept. In fact, I think it’s probably a pretty basic one for someone who learned how to plan or set goals. But I did learn that. And while I have some vague picture of a direction I’d like to go in, 5 years sounds much more bite-sized. In fact, I could perhaps even use it to frame how I make my decisions. It’s almost like the life I’m living now creates the life I’ll be living in, say, 5 years.

Like I said, I’m late to the game.

But not too late. I’m here now. Trying to think of concrete things I want in my life by 2026. What a space-age sounding year. But that puts me at almost 38, another nutty sounding number!

So here we are, a few things I’d like in the next 5 years:

I want to have more creative endeavors in my life

I’d like to be a mom by that point

I’d like to have written or started writing a book

I want to compost, get rid of my grass lawn, and reduce my carbon footprint

I want to help people

I want to live a life of hospitality- I am intrigued by the idea of dinner parties, cookbook clubs, and regular family dinners, as well as having an open-door policy

I want to be an advocate for mental and women’s health

I want to make grown up changes for my home, like an whole-house humidifier or a water softener

Also I want my car to be paid off, obviously

So there is mine. What are some of your 5 year goals?

What does a diagnosis mean?

An answer to all my problems?! Maybe.

But I just got diagnosed with PCOS. While I haven’t done an ultrasound, my bloodwork matches up with exactly what you’d expect to see.

It was a naturopath I just started working with who made the diagnosis, so I’ll be going on a natural route instead of pharmaceuticals. Please note I’m not dogging meds, I am on some for anxiety/depression. But I’m hoping this natural route will help to solve some underlying issues rather than cover up symptoms. I’ve ignored my body for so long, it’s time to listen to what she’s tried to tell me and to finally give her what she’s been asking for all along.

So I’m on about 9 supplements. I’m supposed to be changing my diet, which is, of course, proving harder than it sounds. Low carb, no gluten, no dairy. Seems like a recipe for a sad life, if you ask me… But if it means feeling better? A happy body? Less symptoms? Maybe it could be worth it.

Funny enough, the diagnosis didn’t come with a wave of relief that I expected. Instead, I faced mourning. I have several friends who also have PCOS, and I’ve seen their struggles. I’ve especially seen the fertility struggle. Not to mention, with the diagnosis comes the ways in which I’m supposed to manage things- namely diet. As I’ve already said, I’m not thrilled with idea. So far, I’ve been able to live life on my terms, more or less. Restrictions don’t exactly thrill me. Plus, there’s idea that this will be a lifelong thing to manage. It’ll never go away, it’ll be as good or as bad as I let it be. I’m the master of my fate.

Which I have been all along, but now it feels like– My behavior will directly affect my health. My decisions will correlate with my life. It sounds so obvious, and maybe this change is a part of growing older, as well, by this diagnosis has really hit me. I’m not 22 anymore. And I’m not healthy anymore. I now hold my body in my hands, with every food choice I make.

There’s also the upside– I know that it’s not all in my head. My collection of symptoms are valid and experienced by a group of women who experience similar things. I’ve found several online communities which I hope to deeply connect with about these experiences. I have a name for the reason. And I have the hope that with good decisions, I can help walk myself to a better future. One with more energy, better mental health, a healthy cycle, and perhaps a pregnancy someday.

It’s all up to me. It feels so obvious and so shocking at the same time.

Friday nights

On Friday nights, I like to get wild. This summer, some of my Friday nights have included smoking out by my friend’s pool and laying on a friend’s living room floor allowing my face to be licked by his dog. Please note my definition of wild may be, in fact, quite tame.

But by far, my most often “wild” behavior is going onto a streaming service and watching WHATEVER IS BEING PROMOTED, WITHOUT ANY PRIOR KNOWLEDGE. Sometimes, I even watch a MOVIE (I’m a tv gal, myself).

This past Friday, I went even crazier and watched three movies. In a row. Now, tv, I can binge on forever. Movies? I can do one. Maaayyybee two. But on a Friday night? After working all week? I’m tired. Quite frankly, I go to bed early on Fridays. But I took a chance. On THREE movies.

The first was Palm Springs. I’m an Andy Samberg fan. And now a Cristen Milloti fan (The Mother from How I Met Your Mother). It was seriously a good movie that you should watch. I’d recommend going in blind, if you can.  **Next sentence is a spoiler– i keep thinking to myself now “what if today was the day you had to live over and over?” and this is maybe going to change my life**

Next was Buffaloed, with Zoey Deutch, from The Politician. Both are current favorites. I’m not sure so much about the movie. I did enjoy it. And I realized I know nothing about taxidermy. I was determined to explore more, and in fact started on the backlog of Ologies podcast episodes I’d missed out on recently, and wouldn’t you know! A taxidermy episode! I’m listening now, in bite-sized chunks on the way to and from work. I won’t lie, I’m a little grossed out, a bit like I was the other morning while tearing into a giant steak. All the muscle and sinew and ligaments and fat and previous aliveness. But I’m learning about a thing that Buffaloed made me realize I didn’t know a damn thing about and also the taxidermist from the Ologies episode creates her stuff with animals who have died of natural causes. Or like, cars. So, not trophy kills. So I guess that’s ethical.

Lastly, I watched Where’d You Go, Bernadette? since I’ve been meaning to for a while; I loved the book. The movie wasn’t exactly like the book, which I get. Different mediums, different storytellers… My main takeaway was that I liked it, that it must be so hard to live with a truly creative person (who can hardly function in reality), and that Cate Blanchet’s cheekbones are pure art. Also maybe I want to go to Antarctica? I’ve never been able to say that before. But maybe I’ll follow Cate and her cheekbones anywhere…

What movies have you watched recently? Do you ever watch things blindly? How wild do you get on Friday nights?

Bodily Betrayal

My body has started taking me hostage. My anxiety is playing along.

For the past four years, around Autumn, I start getting dizzy and maybe even fully passing out. This year, it happened early– around August. I thought I was done for the year until last Friday, when it happened again. I was with a client, to make it extra scary and embarrassing. I went to Urgent Care, just to see what my vitals were, and everything was fine!

I took the next several days off, since it was the weekend anyways. But today started my workweek. Everything looks great, I should be making some good money this week. But my very first massage appointment, this morning at 10, and I was out again.

I don’t know if my anxiety is making it worse. I don’t know why I keep passing out. I don’t know what my body is trying to tell me, and to make it all worse– I don’t have health insurance AND I’m stressed out about money.

None of it is a good combination. I feel like my body is betraying me. Not that I’m great at treating her wonderfully, but somehow, she’s decided that enough is enough I guess.

I don’t have any point to this post except that I keep wanting to write, and I keep not being able to massage, which is my only source of income right now. And I think, too, if you’re out there, and your body is betraying you right now too– I hear you. I’m sitting on my couch, worrying about bills, questioning my life, wondering what is going to happen. And I hear you.


Something just whispered in me it’s time to create your own content. But I don’t really know what that means– except it’s time for me to write. I often feel inadequate– what do I have to say? Why add another voice to the collective? Isn’t someone else out there going to say it better?

Well, probably. To be honest. But I still feel a pull to write my own things. Post my own pictures. Fill up a space with my thoughts. Maybe engage with a few people along the way.

Recently, I’ve taken a food photography class (I’ll share photos and a writeup later), I took a quick trip up to Michigan to see dear friends, I bought a camera off of my roommate, I bought MORE cookbooks, I signed up for more classes, I have become obsessed with certain podcasts, and I passed out at work again.

This all sounds like a lot to brush over in a single paragraph. But I’ll plan on elaborating on them at later dates. Suffice to say, I have a lot percolating. Maybe a lot to say? Maybe I’ll realize that the more I say, the more I’ll have to say– that I won’t run out of words or ideas like my fears tell me I will.

Today, I’m taking it easy. I’ve had a rough few weeks. But also inspiring. I’m not beating myself up for taking a day off (she tells herself firmly). I’m listening to my body, because it’s been screaming. I’m sitting on the porch and petting my cats and thinking about what’s for dinner.

How is your Wednesday?

People love lists and checkmarks and boxes. They’re useful tools for organizing and sorting– which is great, when it comes to a to-do list. It feels a lot less great, though, when they’re trying to get you to fit on their list.

Or maybe they’re not pressuring you, they just don’t understand. 

It’s hard to be the person who is living a different life. There are certain milestones that people understand– you graduate high school, then college. Maybe grad school, maybe the workforce. You get engaged, you get married. You buy the house, you have a kid. This is how you do life. Unless it’s not.

I’m not exactly outside the box, but I am single at 31 in the Bible Belt. I’m not even a career girl– last year, I left my full time job to become a massage therapist. I’m applying for grad school currently. My life doesn’t really fit any molds that people usually understand.

I’ve felt left behind. Alone. Uncelebrated. I’ve put on a happy face (a real one!), I’ve bought baby shower gifts, I’ve drank to finished theses. But I’ve felt the lack of understanding from family, from friends, from acquaintances. I am easily labeled a “free spirit”– which couldn’t be farther from the truth. I am a medicated ball of nerves! It’s just that every time I try to stuff myself into a pigeon hole, I feel really uncomfortable. I don’t fit. I’m scrunched and my legs start cramping.

So I picked a different lifestyle. One not a lot get. But I truly believe it’s the life I’m meant to live. It’s my timeline, my trajectory, my scenic route. I get to pick it.

And I’ve found the best people in my life are the ones who will celebrate the small things with me. They’ll wonder at the creation that is strawberries. They’ll high five me on a particularly lucrative week as an independent contractor. And they’ll drink with me to a submitted grad school application– even at 31.


Happy New Year- 31

This applies to no one but me, but my birthday was a little over a week ago. I’d like to think it’s a new year. I accomplished some stuff. I didn’t accomplish other stuff.


I went on a trip to Hawaii. INCREDIBLE food, people, scenery, FOOD. Went with a lifelong friend from college. Packed for eight days in a single backpack! Personal growth.

I also went on a trip to New Orleans. I learned to make pie from Joy the Baker. I gained confidence to hand-make the crust. I had good and hard conversations with my best friend from middle/high school. I ate beignets. I re-learned a hard lesson about being over 30 and wearing the wrong shoes to walk around in.

I developed a new collection of cookbooks. Who knows why? I barely cook. But, oh— I dream.

I started a new church group. We’re going through a 3 workbook series talking about God and our lives and laughing and talking serious and honestly, drinking a lot of beer. Amen.

I went through a rough slump. And I do mean rough. I began clawing my way back out around January. Hawaii and the sunshine helped. Friends helped. Netflix helped. Honestly.

I quit my office job to do massage full time. This was a good move.

I applied for Grad School. Recently. Like… a week ago. I’m anxious, to be honest.

I’ve heard the message over and over about connecting with your body. I’m learning. I try to stretch more often. I’ve signed myself and my sister up for 3 5ks this summer. I haven’t started training.

I’ve eaten an awful lot of cake. And loved every piece.

I got a roommate! I don’t live alone for the first time in SEVEN years.

I have doubted myself. And believed in myself. I’ve found strength in the music of Lizzo. She’s teaching me how to be a bad bitch. I need the lessons. I will learn.

Things I’ve recently Googled

Yesterday was a long day, made longer by staying up late to finish a book (yay!) Today was a restful day and not one of any deep contemplation. Church was nice, I ate leftover curry, and me and the kitties napped. I thought about skipping the blog today, but that would not bode well for the rest of my challenge, so here I am with a thing of little substance. A glimpse into my google history:

  1. Movie times to 2 different theaters– I recognized none of the titles except of one playing at 9:55pm. What.
  2. Ebola vs. E. coli– they sound alike but wreck you in different ways
  3. Bodies in Barrels podcast– True crime love
  4. Exit West– to make sure I spelled the author’s name correctly (Mohsin Hamid)
  5. Taylor Swift– I’m undecided about her as a person, but she makes really catchy music!
  6. Gyms near me– ugh.
  7. Opening a  Roth IRA– these past 2 reek of New Years Resolutions, huh?


What’s your most recent Google? Do you dare?